November 29, 2010
Baby has been here since we picked her up from the hospital on September 24, which happens to be my brother’s birthday. What a whirlwind of change! 24 hours to get ready to take in a baby, and she is still with us, healthy and thriving in our home at almost 10 weeks old.
It’s looking like we will have her for a while; 6 months at least. The more I grow attached to this beautiful, flawless, smiley, personality filled baby that has all of her mother’s DNA, but all of my nurturing, I sometimes find myself worrying; worrying that e-mail or call from the case-worker will be news for the baby to go back to mom soon.
We are supposed to be starting longer visits with bio-mom next week in addition to the twice weekly, hour-long visits already in place. I had a really hard time with visits in the beginning and I go in waves with my feelings during the visits. I actually became teary-eyed during a conversation with baby’s mother about the possibility of her going home. I am the queen of holding back my tears, so I was shocked at my vulnerability. I usually wait to get in the car, or at least walk away, before I break down. Not when it comes to baby. She has changed my whole world and caused my emotions to surface like never before. Something only a pure love, an unconditional love can tap into. That protection factor I hold is becoming void in this situation.
Baby had to get her 2 month shots last week. I was not looking forward to the pain this would cause this little munchkin. Babies’ cries are so distinct. There is a cry when they are hungry, a cry when they are uncomfortable, a cry when they are lonely or sad, missing companionship, a cry when they are tired, and a cry when they are in pain. This last cry is the most gut wrenching, saddest cry. I read that talking to the baby and loving her before and during her shots can help with providing some sense of comfort.
As baby lay on the table in the pediatrician’s exam room, the nurse entered with the vaccinations. I began to talk to baby the way I always do,
“Hi baby,” “You’re beautiful,” “I love you.”
The nurse stopped for a moment and said something to the extent of
“Did you say you love her? Ahh-oh!”
Her implication was that because she is a foster baby I am setting myself up for extreme heartbreak. I get this comment a lot!
“Oh, so you can’t get too attached then,” is the response I get when I tell people of the situation.
And I say:
“No, I am already attached.”
This baby deserves to get all of my love. This is not about me and my feelings. This is about providing baby with the love and nurturing that is so detrimental to her development in these early months of her life. And if she goes home, I will deal with it then.
There is a popular quote hanging on my wall engraved on a black, wooden square that says:
LOVE like you’ll never be hurt.
There is a propensity for The Universe to eventually manifest what we surround our selves with. Like the bassinet sitting alongside my bed, empty for months, and my visualization of that bassinet being filled with a baby, has now manifested itself. I intentionally hung the loving like you’ll never be hurt quote in a place where I can read it every day. It is displayed along with the other sayings: DANCE like nobody’s watching; SING like nobody’s listening; LIVE like it’s Heaven on Earth.”
Loving like you’ll never be hurt is not easy when you’ve been jaded by life’s heartbreaks. Usually, the hurt comes from the bitter interaction (or absent interaction) between us and the people we love. Things are said (or not said), things are done (or not done) and this all leads to the chipping away at a loving heart.
Not possible with babies. Babies are the purest form of a human being. They have yet to be jaded by life’s unpleasant experiences; they have simple needs and just want those needs met. This makes it easy to give them the unbiased love and devotion they deserve. Unconditional love; Loving a baby is true unconditional love.
With all this in mind, I continue to take this experience day by day. Do I fear her leaving one day? Sure; Certainly. Is it worth the anguish to dwell on this possibility? Not at all.
This experience is a true testament of how to take life day by day. None of this is easy. To not be certain of the future of this beautiful baby is difficult. And that is an understatement. I will start to day dream about her; what it may be like years from now with her in our lives; what it would be like to get to keep her. And those thoughts make me so warm and happy. But then I have to stop myself; get back to reality, and remember that her being with us forever may not be our (or her) destiny. In the mean time, I continue to give her all the love and nurturing she needs and deserves.
I am so thankful to have the privilege of having baby here for the holidays. Right before Thanksgiving I went clothes shopping for her. Target had a little 3 piece outfit with a onesie that says I am Mommy’s wish come true; the i in wish replaced with an embroidered picture of a single, lit birthday candle. Last year, on my Halloween birthday, I wished for her. I wished for a baby a year from that day. And here she is; making her foster mommy’s wish come true, teaching me to love again like I’ll never be hurt.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Elation
The foster placement team called me on Thursday:
“We have a baby that we need placement for today. She is 2 days old, healthy, and ready to leave the hospital.”
I instantly declined:
“Thank you for contacting us [my husband and I] but without the strong possibility of the potential to adopt the baby, I have to decline. I have to protect my emotions; plus I can’t take off work until the baby is old enough to go into day care. Sorry.”
I make up every excuse to protect my emotions; the fear of bonding with a child and then having to give that child up after a long period of caring for them. But this time, something made me change my mind.
About 5 minutes after declining placement with the newborn baby, I called the team back to inquire about the details. I had been turning down placements left and right in an attempt to protect myself. I decided this time I needed to give it a chance. A tiny new baby that can’t go home to mommy is sitting in the hospital waiting for a home. And I had the privilege of being asked first if I wanted to care for her. This baby needs me right now and that’s what it’s really about.
So here we are on a cozy Sunday morning, 5 day old baby girl by my side; healthy and beautiful. I have fallen in love. Having never raised a newborn I am fairly surprised by how natural it feels. My hubby is helping tremendously, having raised 2 of his own already. I am on cloud 9! The elation I feel is indescribable; I guess only a mother (or father) can really know this feeling.
Sure I am completely vulnerable, but I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment; to relish in the care and nurturing I get to give her today and that every bit of love is helping her to develop a healthy sense of trust.
The ultimate goal of the Department of Family Services (DFS) is reunification with the biological family, if possible. In this case she is with us because they have not found family who will take her, yet. She could be with us for a few more days, weeks, or months. There is really no guarantee. As a professional, I am ready to take on the responsibility of working with the birth mother in an attempt at reunifying her and her daughter. I am her foster mother, but have to constantly remind myself that her biological mother is, most likely, missing her like crazy right now. Sure, I will be devastated when (or if) she leaves. But will have comfort in knowing I provided the nurturing and love that is crucial in these early days of development.
For now, I continue to sit on cloud 9, stay in the moment, and absorb the elation I feel caring for this tiny being. I love her. For today and for as long as I am blessed with having her in my care, she is fulfilling my dream of being a mommy.
As far as a sitter, I asked my step-kid’s mom, who stays home with her two toddlers, and she was ecstatic to take this on! I am so grateful to have her availability and feel 100% confident in leaving this baby with her. She will be going through the Non-Primary Caregiver licensing process, required by DFS for persons whom will be caring for children in protective custody on a regular basis.
Next week will be a busy week! First pediatrician appointment, visits with the case-worker, and possibly visits with mom. I am ready and enthusiastic about taking on this part of caring for a foster baby! My husband and I have been waiting for this experience and here we finally are!
It is refreshing to know that these long years of projecting our desire to care for a baby has proved worthy and has finally come to fruition; the months and months that the empty bassinet sat next to my bed as I envisioned a tiny person occupying the cozy space. She is finally here and she is everything I ever wanted.
“We have a baby that we need placement for today. She is 2 days old, healthy, and ready to leave the hospital.”
I instantly declined:
“Thank you for contacting us [my husband and I] but without the strong possibility of the potential to adopt the baby, I have to decline. I have to protect my emotions; plus I can’t take off work until the baby is old enough to go into day care. Sorry.”
I make up every excuse to protect my emotions; the fear of bonding with a child and then having to give that child up after a long period of caring for them. But this time, something made me change my mind.
About 5 minutes after declining placement with the newborn baby, I called the team back to inquire about the details. I had been turning down placements left and right in an attempt to protect myself. I decided this time I needed to give it a chance. A tiny new baby that can’t go home to mommy is sitting in the hospital waiting for a home. And I had the privilege of being asked first if I wanted to care for her. This baby needs me right now and that’s what it’s really about.
So here we are on a cozy Sunday morning, 5 day old baby girl by my side; healthy and beautiful. I have fallen in love. Having never raised a newborn I am fairly surprised by how natural it feels. My hubby is helping tremendously, having raised 2 of his own already. I am on cloud 9! The elation I feel is indescribable; I guess only a mother (or father) can really know this feeling.
Sure I am completely vulnerable, but I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment; to relish in the care and nurturing I get to give her today and that every bit of love is helping her to develop a healthy sense of trust.
The ultimate goal of the Department of Family Services (DFS) is reunification with the biological family, if possible. In this case she is with us because they have not found family who will take her, yet. She could be with us for a few more days, weeks, or months. There is really no guarantee. As a professional, I am ready to take on the responsibility of working with the birth mother in an attempt at reunifying her and her daughter. I am her foster mother, but have to constantly remind myself that her biological mother is, most likely, missing her like crazy right now. Sure, I will be devastated when (or if) she leaves. But will have comfort in knowing I provided the nurturing and love that is crucial in these early days of development.
For now, I continue to sit on cloud 9, stay in the moment, and absorb the elation I feel caring for this tiny being. I love her. For today and for as long as I am blessed with having her in my care, she is fulfilling my dream of being a mommy.
As far as a sitter, I asked my step-kid’s mom, who stays home with her two toddlers, and she was ecstatic to take this on! I am so grateful to have her availability and feel 100% confident in leaving this baby with her. She will be going through the Non-Primary Caregiver licensing process, required by DFS for persons whom will be caring for children in protective custody on a regular basis.
Next week will be a busy week! First pediatrician appointment, visits with the case-worker, and possibly visits with mom. I am ready and enthusiastic about taking on this part of caring for a foster baby! My husband and I have been waiting for this experience and here we finally are!
It is refreshing to know that these long years of projecting our desire to care for a baby has proved worthy and has finally come to fruition; the months and months that the empty bassinet sat next to my bed as I envisioned a tiny person occupying the cozy space. She is finally here and she is everything I ever wanted.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Why am I trying so hard to have kids.....?
Many women, myself included, who cannot conceive easily (or at all) day dream about what it would be like to have a child (or another child) to call our own. The baby that would make all the difference in our happiness, completing our family and enriching our lives! We dream about consistent loving care that we yearn to give a child or two. We yearn to hear "MOMMY;" to be wanted and needed....
Funny...quite a few events during this last week have made me seriously question my desires!
My doubts began last week with my step-daughter on her second day of school. My husband has to be at work before the girls can be on campus so I merrily offered to take them to school before going to work myself. I truly enjoy playing mommy with them, tending to their needs, even though they are soooo independent at 11 and 12 years old.
My new 6th grader needed help learning how to open a combination lock. I was happy to teach her and was giving loads of encouragement. The first few times that the lock refused to open, she began throwing a small temper tantrum, shaking the lock and stomping her feet. I gave her a moment to calm herself and then proceeded to go over the steps again. The dang lock was still not coming open and her tantrum became more pronounced and violent. I asked her to calm down and she proceed to yell "WELL, YOUR NOT TEACHING ME RIGHT!" This is not the only occasion I have been verbally attacked. I don't respond in the most compassionate tone to verbal disrespects........and then the question arose: Why am I trying so hard to have kids...?
My next glimmer of doubt came from a superlatively written, though devastating, memoir, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. An amazing writer; sophisticated and genuine telling a true story about his smart, creative, handsome, beloved son...
... who is also a drug-addict.
This man loves his son, Nic, with his heart and soul and does everything in his power to help him, despite the stealing, the lies and incredibly manipulative tactics that become a way of life to drug addicted persons. His writing evoked emotional pain; the undying love for his "beautiful boy" who has so much potential, yet who continuously struggles with addiction.
After being sober for years, Nic will suddenly relapse without warning. David's suffering grows with every relapse, throwing him deeper into despair. But the love for his child never dwindles. How can it? A parent's love for their child is deeper than any feeling ever felt before. So how can a parent turn their back on their precious child, even after all of the lies, the violations, and upheaval of family that this child has caused? David showed constant struggle with the question of "did I cause this?"
Al-Anon says he didn't.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids....?
The last, and probably most significant, contemplation on this whole parenting idea was prompted by recalling my own nasty behaviors as a teenager. I was recently reading through journals I kept as a teen where I recorded every defiant, horrible thing I did. My parents were extremely lenient with me mainly because I earned decent grades, usually a 3.0 or higher, and was a cheerleader. They never thought their "precious little girl" would ever lie to them or experiment the way that I did. Eventually, though, they found most of the skeletons in my closet, throwing them into years of sleepless nights and questioning their parenting skills.
I squeamishly recall the nasty way I use to talk to them, and over the past couple of weeks am being talked to by my 7th grade step-child in the same disrespectful, "get out of my life" kind of tone.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids?
I called my mom and apologized.
So, those sweet smelling, cooing, "mommy" saying little babies definitely grow up. And there is a significant amount of time that they are definitely not sweet and add the words "LEAVE ME ALONE," "GET OUT OF MY LIFE," and "I HATE THIS HOUSE" (or statements to that effect) to the word "MOMMY."
That is NOT what I sign up for!!!
Oh ya; yes it is. When I signed the licence to be married to my step-children's father, I literally signed up for it. When I vowed to be with my husband forever in front of 152 people and vowed to be "the best step-mom I can" to my step-children, I made that commitment.
In sickness and in health, in disrespect and insanity.
To be fair, I have been incredibly fortunate to have yet to be told "YOUR NOT MY MOM." I am mistakenly called "mom" sometimes, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. My step-kids may get attitudes, roll their eyes, talk back and argue, but I am finding that I have no need to take it personally. Apparently, it's the norm for this age. If I observe their behaviors when they interact with their father, I am tickled to find that they throw around the same attitude with him. For my sanity it is refreshing to know their behaviors are not (really) a personal attack on me.
And they do come with their sentimental moments; an unexpected hug; an "I Love You" before getting out of the car or going to bed, and even an "I'm sorry" in a concerned, genuine voice after bashing my attempts at parenting...Those are the moments I revel in.
No parent expects that their darling child will become unruly. And not all of them do. There are plenty of children who glide through their teen years and into their twenties with very little upheaval. All we can do as parents is our absolute best and nothing less! And most of the time it's really up to the will of the child!
During my apology to my mother, I asked her what made her want to have children. "To fulfill the need to procreate!"
I may not physically ever procreate, but despite my questioning during this last week, I still may want to raise my own kids; And all of the trials and tribulations that come with them.
What I have learned from other parents is that the love for your child runs deeper than any other love. It is painful to love that deeply, but can also bring joy like you have never felt before. I feel like I love my step-children that way, and inevitably will love my own children with an even deeper sense.
I am scared for them. I am scared for the heartache, peer pressure, exposure to mean kids and exposure to this not so ideal world. It is fear for their well-being that is questioning my desire to be a parent.
All we can do is our best; love and protect them in every way that we are able and hopefully give them the tools they need to deal with the crap that will come up in life. But along with the crap will come wonderful moments; first dances, boy-friends, (girl-friends), sports, arts, and academic achievements.
Nothing in life is really guaranteed, but here we are living on. The human race will most likely continue when we are long gone. And if we value ourselves and what we stand for today, we
must attempt to raise children to do the same.
And if they don't do the same, it's not our fault. We did our absolute best and nothing less! (At least we better have!)
Funny...quite a few events during this last week have made me seriously question my desires!
My doubts began last week with my step-daughter on her second day of school. My husband has to be at work before the girls can be on campus so I merrily offered to take them to school before going to work myself. I truly enjoy playing mommy with them, tending to their needs, even though they are soooo independent at 11 and 12 years old.
My new 6th grader needed help learning how to open a combination lock. I was happy to teach her and was giving loads of encouragement. The first few times that the lock refused to open, she began throwing a small temper tantrum, shaking the lock and stomping her feet. I gave her a moment to calm herself and then proceeded to go over the steps again. The dang lock was still not coming open and her tantrum became more pronounced and violent. I asked her to calm down and she proceed to yell "WELL, YOUR NOT TEACHING ME RIGHT!" This is not the only occasion I have been verbally attacked. I don't respond in the most compassionate tone to verbal disrespects........and then the question arose: Why am I trying so hard to have kids...?
My next glimmer of doubt came from a superlatively written, though devastating, memoir, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. An amazing writer; sophisticated and genuine telling a true story about his smart, creative, handsome, beloved son...
... who is also a drug-addict.
This man loves his son, Nic, with his heart and soul and does everything in his power to help him, despite the stealing, the lies and incredibly manipulative tactics that become a way of life to drug addicted persons. His writing evoked emotional pain; the undying love for his "beautiful boy" who has so much potential, yet who continuously struggles with addiction.
After being sober for years, Nic will suddenly relapse without warning. David's suffering grows with every relapse, throwing him deeper into despair. But the love for his child never dwindles. How can it? A parent's love for their child is deeper than any feeling ever felt before. So how can a parent turn their back on their precious child, even after all of the lies, the violations, and upheaval of family that this child has caused? David showed constant struggle with the question of "did I cause this?"
Al-Anon says he didn't.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids....?
The last, and probably most significant, contemplation on this whole parenting idea was prompted by recalling my own nasty behaviors as a teenager. I was recently reading through journals I kept as a teen where I recorded every defiant, horrible thing I did. My parents were extremely lenient with me mainly because I earned decent grades, usually a 3.0 or higher, and was a cheerleader. They never thought their "precious little girl" would ever lie to them or experiment the way that I did. Eventually, though, they found most of the skeletons in my closet, throwing them into years of sleepless nights and questioning their parenting skills.
I squeamishly recall the nasty way I use to talk to them, and over the past couple of weeks am being talked to by my 7th grade step-child in the same disrespectful, "get out of my life" kind of tone.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids?
I called my mom and apologized.
So, those sweet smelling, cooing, "mommy" saying little babies definitely grow up. And there is a significant amount of time that they are definitely not sweet and add the words "LEAVE ME ALONE," "GET OUT OF MY LIFE," and "I HATE THIS HOUSE" (or statements to that effect) to the word "MOMMY."
That is NOT what I sign up for!!!
Oh ya; yes it is. When I signed the licence to be married to my step-children's father, I literally signed up for it. When I vowed to be with my husband forever in front of 152 people and vowed to be "the best step-mom I can" to my step-children, I made that commitment.
In sickness and in health, in disrespect and insanity.
To be fair, I have been incredibly fortunate to have yet to be told "YOUR NOT MY MOM." I am mistakenly called "mom" sometimes, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. My step-kids may get attitudes, roll their eyes, talk back and argue, but I am finding that I have no need to take it personally. Apparently, it's the norm for this age. If I observe their behaviors when they interact with their father, I am tickled to find that they throw around the same attitude with him. For my sanity it is refreshing to know their behaviors are not (really) a personal attack on me.
And they do come with their sentimental moments; an unexpected hug; an "I Love You" before getting out of the car or going to bed, and even an "I'm sorry" in a concerned, genuine voice after bashing my attempts at parenting...Those are the moments I revel in.
No parent expects that their darling child will become unruly. And not all of them do. There are plenty of children who glide through their teen years and into their twenties with very little upheaval. All we can do as parents is our absolute best and nothing less! And most of the time it's really up to the will of the child!
During my apology to my mother, I asked her what made her want to have children. "To fulfill the need to procreate!"
I may not physically ever procreate, but despite my questioning during this last week, I still may want to raise my own kids; And all of the trials and tribulations that come with them.
What I have learned from other parents is that the love for your child runs deeper than any other love. It is painful to love that deeply, but can also bring joy like you have never felt before. I feel like I love my step-children that way, and inevitably will love my own children with an even deeper sense.
I am scared for them. I am scared for the heartache, peer pressure, exposure to mean kids and exposure to this not so ideal world. It is fear for their well-being that is questioning my desire to be a parent.
All we can do is our best; love and protect them in every way that we are able and hopefully give them the tools they need to deal with the crap that will come up in life. But along with the crap will come wonderful moments; first dances, boy-friends, (girl-friends), sports, arts, and academic achievements.
Nothing in life is really guaranteed, but here we are living on. The human race will most likely continue when we are long gone. And if we value ourselves and what we stand for today, we
must attempt to raise children to do the same.
And if they don't do the same, it's not our fault. We did our absolute best and nothing less! (At least we better have!)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Jumpy Place
My godson, who is 5 years old now and going into KINDERGARTEN has been spending some quality time with me lately. He likes having sleep-overs at our house and just hanging out; (the endless video game playing he gets to do with Uncle Chris being a factor, I'm sure.) He is at such a fun age where we can actually have meaningful conversations about things like why he has to go to school and how to tell your right from your left. It is the coolest thing to see my best friend's child growing before my eyes.
Yesterday I picked him up for the afternoon. We went to McDonald's drive-through to pick up lunch, which is a special treat for him (and me), and came back to my house. We sat across from each other at the kitchen table eating our lunch, him enlightening me on how chocolate milk is made.
Being a little boy, he needs lots of physical activity. The temperature is over 100 degrees here and, unless you are in the water, you really can't comfortably be outside. So, we found a special place where we can go inside and have loads of fun! He calls it The Jumpy Place. It is this warehouse with a giant trampoline inside, probably the length of half a football field. And it is just a few miles from our house, making it that much more inviting to the adults.
For $10 a person you can spend an hour jumping, flipping, leaping; whatever your body allows you to do. Usually, I would just have him go jump with my step-kids while I sit on the sideline and read. But today it was just him and me.
"It wouldn't be that fun without you" he tells me as we're taking off our shoes. He then grabs me by the hand and says "Come On" in a sweet, friendly voice. I felt so special at that moment; so lucky to have him wanting me there.
Having grown up with a trampoline in my back yard, I had some tricks still hiding in this 33 year old body. As soon as I stepped foot onto the gigantic trampoline I went from serious, reserved adult to smiling, outgoing kid. Jumping in itself is thrilling; that fluttery feeling when your body is airborne. But the ability to still do flips that I use to do when I was 12, and my godson thinking I am cool because of it, is priceless.
We played jumping games, leaping games, and running and jumping off the trampoline wall games. I sweat like I had run a marathon and was clearly getting winded. But it was so much fun that I just kept going, not caring that my hair was dripping with sweat or that my body was tired and would certainly feel my flipping tricks in the morning.
Afterwards, to cool off, we each got a Popsicle that turned our mouths purple. He struggled with the over sized Popsicle on the ride home, his hands getting sticky, and some of it falling down the side of the seat. He was more worried about the mess than I was, an obsessive cleanliness trait he gets from his mother.
I am such a lucky girl to have such a sweet boy in my life. He is truly a bright light in my world and adds color to a life that is spent way too seriously. He brings out a side of me that is quite hard to get at; a freer spirit; a lighter outlook on life. I have found another way to move my spirit: an afternoon with my godson sharing meaningful conversation eating McDonald's lunch and some good quality fun at The Jumpy Place.
Yesterday I picked him up for the afternoon. We went to McDonald's drive-through to pick up lunch, which is a special treat for him (and me), and came back to my house. We sat across from each other at the kitchen table eating our lunch, him enlightening me on how chocolate milk is made.
Being a little boy, he needs lots of physical activity. The temperature is over 100 degrees here and, unless you are in the water, you really can't comfortably be outside. So, we found a special place where we can go inside and have loads of fun! He calls it The Jumpy Place. It is this warehouse with a giant trampoline inside, probably the length of half a football field. And it is just a few miles from our house, making it that much more inviting to the adults.
For $10 a person you can spend an hour jumping, flipping, leaping; whatever your body allows you to do. Usually, I would just have him go jump with my step-kids while I sit on the sideline and read. But today it was just him and me.
"It wouldn't be that fun without you" he tells me as we're taking off our shoes. He then grabs me by the hand and says "Come On" in a sweet, friendly voice. I felt so special at that moment; so lucky to have him wanting me there.
Having grown up with a trampoline in my back yard, I had some tricks still hiding in this 33 year old body. As soon as I stepped foot onto the gigantic trampoline I went from serious, reserved adult to smiling, outgoing kid. Jumping in itself is thrilling; that fluttery feeling when your body is airborne. But the ability to still do flips that I use to do when I was 12, and my godson thinking I am cool because of it, is priceless.
We played jumping games, leaping games, and running and jumping off the trampoline wall games. I sweat like I had run a marathon and was clearly getting winded. But it was so much fun that I just kept going, not caring that my hair was dripping with sweat or that my body was tired and would certainly feel my flipping tricks in the morning.
Afterwards, to cool off, we each got a Popsicle that turned our mouths purple. He struggled with the over sized Popsicle on the ride home, his hands getting sticky, and some of it falling down the side of the seat. He was more worried about the mess than I was, an obsessive cleanliness trait he gets from his mother.
I am such a lucky girl to have such a sweet boy in my life. He is truly a bright light in my world and adds color to a life that is spent way too seriously. He brings out a side of me that is quite hard to get at; a freer spirit; a lighter outlook on life. I have found another way to move my spirit: an afternoon with my godson sharing meaningful conversation eating McDonald's lunch and some good quality fun at The Jumpy Place.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Vacuuming With a Baby on My Hip
August 10, 2010
We picked up 2 more beautiful babies on Saturday; 15 months and 4 months old. Another short-term placement. This time I am prepared emotionally to give them back, but am swimming in satisfaction with having them here for the week! A tiny baby and a toddler. They are precious, tiny beings.
Any baby that can't walk is puzzling to me. I don't know what to do with them. You see, I admire independence. I am a pretty independent person in the sense that I like to have my freedom. Babies who walk are given the freedom to explore their world within the parameters of the caregiver. At this moment the 15 month old is walking on the couch and smiling, indicating she thinks it's pretty cool that she's not confined to a sitting chair like her sister is at this moment. She can move about as she wishes within the safety of our baby proofed home. I like that she can entertain herself and am finding I actually prefer the walking baby to the immobile baby.
In any case, it is my job to ensure that the immobile baby gets the proper stimulation throughout the day; back time, tummy time, sitting in a bouncer facing her towards a window to watch the trees, holding her, talking to her and carrying her around. This particular baby is so happy and easy to please, when the fussing begins you just have to find the right need to be met. She had been fed, changed, and had plenty of activity, yet she was still fussing. As soon as I picked her up and started carrying her around, she stopped fussing and was content. But I still had vacuuming to do. One of those cool papooses to carry baby around in would have been great at that moment!
I've always been told I had child bearing hips. I put baby on my protruding left hip where her bum rested perfectly and put her arms over my left arm. At first I wasn't sure how to really do this. I usually would use my left arm to get the cord out of the way. This is where the other limbs came in. I used my leg to do what my occupied arm would usually do, vacuumed the rooms, got a left arm work out, and made baby happy, fulfilling her desire for human contact and a change of scenery.
I actually felt a sense of accomplishment! For the last 2.5 years I have wondered, while doing household chores, "how am I going to clean with a baby?" Maybe my child bearing hips can't bear children, but they sure can prop 'em! It is a very satisfying feeling to figure out how to give the immobile baby the mobility she desires and how to get my household duties done as well! With that said, I will be getting one of those papooses for the next baby!
We picked up 2 more beautiful babies on Saturday; 15 months and 4 months old. Another short-term placement. This time I am prepared emotionally to give them back, but am swimming in satisfaction with having them here for the week! A tiny baby and a toddler. They are precious, tiny beings.
Any baby that can't walk is puzzling to me. I don't know what to do with them. You see, I admire independence. I am a pretty independent person in the sense that I like to have my freedom. Babies who walk are given the freedom to explore their world within the parameters of the caregiver. At this moment the 15 month old is walking on the couch and smiling, indicating she thinks it's pretty cool that she's not confined to a sitting chair like her sister is at this moment. She can move about as she wishes within the safety of our baby proofed home. I like that she can entertain herself and am finding I actually prefer the walking baby to the immobile baby.
In any case, it is my job to ensure that the immobile baby gets the proper stimulation throughout the day; back time, tummy time, sitting in a bouncer facing her towards a window to watch the trees, holding her, talking to her and carrying her around. This particular baby is so happy and easy to please, when the fussing begins you just have to find the right need to be met. She had been fed, changed, and had plenty of activity, yet she was still fussing. As soon as I picked her up and started carrying her around, she stopped fussing and was content. But I still had vacuuming to do. One of those cool papooses to carry baby around in would have been great at that moment!
I've always been told I had child bearing hips. I put baby on my protruding left hip where her bum rested perfectly and put her arms over my left arm. At first I wasn't sure how to really do this. I usually would use my left arm to get the cord out of the way. This is where the other limbs came in. I used my leg to do what my occupied arm would usually do, vacuumed the rooms, got a left arm work out, and made baby happy, fulfilling her desire for human contact and a change of scenery.
I actually felt a sense of accomplishment! For the last 2.5 years I have wondered, while doing household chores, "how am I going to clean with a baby?" Maybe my child bearing hips can't bear children, but they sure can prop 'em! It is a very satisfying feeling to figure out how to give the immobile baby the mobility she desires and how to get my household duties done as well! With that said, I will be getting one of those papooses for the next baby!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My Dream Came True, if Only for 5 days
When you have a dream; an aspiration in life; something that you are passionate about with all of your being, you never REALLY know if that dream is truly what you always wanted until you actually get to experience it. You will always find people who say one thing or another is their passion whether it be music, teaching, dancing, etc. They take their passion and immerse themselves in it. It is the reason they live. They eat, sleep and breathe their passion. A common statement might be "It's why I get up in the morning!"
I always knew I wanted children and had a passion for protecting and nurturing them. At age 8, I adopted Leon Cyril from the Cabbage Patch. Within that same year Jenny and Erin came along from the Cabbage Patch as well. Every morning I would get them ready, change their diapers and take them to "school" which was conveniently located in the corner of my room. My babies were so realistic to me that one morning I woke up and Leon, who came to me bald, had white hair growing on his head! (Turned out the hair was just paint that had rubbed off of the wall.)
Today they had to go back to their original foster family because we were only providing respite care. I miss them and am experiencing loss, for sure. These babies could potentially be up for adoption and my hope was to have them in our home as foster children. I found out that this will not happen. The higher ups think it is better for them to stay in the original foster home.
They were my first foster babies and I fell in love fast and hard!!! Maybe one day we will be together again, if they become available for adoption. Either way, they will always hold a special place in my heart as my first precious foster babies!
I always knew I wanted children and had a passion for protecting and nurturing them. At age 8, I adopted Leon Cyril from the Cabbage Patch. Within that same year Jenny and Erin came along from the Cabbage Patch as well. Every morning I would get them ready, change their diapers and take them to "school" which was conveniently located in the corner of my room. My babies were so realistic to me that one morning I woke up and Leon, who came to me bald, had white hair growing on his head! (Turned out the hair was just paint that had rubbed off of the wall.)
As a teenager I became keen to the problem of child abuse and neglect. I quickly developed a deep drive to save them. That's when I declared "I am going to save babies one day!"
While going through college as a Social Work major, I worked as a caregiver in the protective custody unit for abused and neglected children. On the clock I provided the nurturing, love and positive attention they deserved. Off the clock, I was helpless; just one of many temporary caregivers that came and went with very little control over their long term well-being. I formed bonds to many of the children in custody. It tore me up when my shift would end and I had to leave them. I wanted to take them all home where I could be sure they were provided with warm and consistent love and nurturing. But at that time in my life, foster parenting was not realistic.
When my husband and I decided to adopt through the foster care system due to my infertility, my life long passion for helping children was able to flourish. My dream of bringing children into my home to protect them and give them the full attention they deserve was going to come true! Yet that dream had been dormant for many years. Although I was excited about the prospect, all I could do was trust that this dream; this passion of mine was authentic; that THIS was what I was meant to do.
For the last 5 days, I was given the privilege of providing around the clock care to two precious toddlers. This priceless experience confirmed that I AM meant to do this! Every moment was the most fulfilling experience I think I have ever had! Feeding them, bathing them; caring for their every need. They made my dream come true.
Today they had to go back to their original foster family because we were only providing respite care. I miss them and am experiencing loss, for sure. These babies could potentially be up for adoption and my hope was to have them in our home as foster children. I found out that this will not happen. The higher ups think it is better for them to stay in the original foster home.
They were my first foster babies and I fell in love fast and hard!!! Maybe one day we will be together again, if they become available for adoption. Either way, they will always hold a special place in my heart as my first precious foster babies!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!
July 20, 2010
The excitement I feel today is like a kid before Christmas!!! I've spent the last couple of months wallowing in all that could go wrong and all of the negatives of the situation; an overwhelming ding in my personality. But now that we are days away from signing off for our license, I can't wait 'till we get that call!!! The call that will change our lives forever! I am sooooo ready for the rewards and challenges this experience of foster parenting will bring.
The excitement I feel today is like a kid before Christmas!!! I've spent the last couple of months wallowing in all that could go wrong and all of the negatives of the situation; an overwhelming ding in my personality. But now that we are days away from signing off for our license, I can't wait 'till we get that call!!! The call that will change our lives forever! I am sooooo ready for the rewards and challenges this experience of foster parenting will bring.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I am ALREADY a mom! Duh!
July 18, 2010
As the days get closer to being placed with our foster child, I am taking in the ever so momentous and fulfilling moments I have with my step-children. On my quest to be a mom, I realize that I am a mom and am counted on to teach and protect my step-children. As they venture into their tween years, and both being beautiful, incredibly smart girls, I realize I make a huge impact on who they become, whether I like it or not.
The tween years are crucial years of shaping and exploring who they are and who they will become. Going into 6th and 7th grade they are no longer protected by the fairly comfy elementary school environment. They will now be forced to rush to their lockers, exchanging a multitude of books, facing a multitude of hormonally challenged peers, and learning how to navigate the hustle and bustle of middle school. They have graduated from toys to texting, and friends over family. They care about what they look like and who likes them. Just like their peers, they are faced with hormonal challenges like acne and the menstrual cycle, not to mention emotional breakdowns, most notably when the phone is taken away!
Because they spend 50% of their time, or more, with their father and I, it is my responsibility to help their self-esteem flourish! I have a new found joy in teaching them how to take care of themselves: from their skin when they get zits and the importance of showering and deodorant, to boys, sex, and the dangers of drugs and alcohol. My openness and calm demeanor today about girl stuff and peer pressure have allowed them to come forth with these more superficial issues. I can only hope that they trust in me enough to accept my invitation to talk when the more critical issues arise.
I have grown to love my role as their step-mother and grown to love these precious and unique little ladies. I am constantly thankful to their mother who loves them dearly which has allowed me to just be that little extra safety for them. And thankful to their father, my awesome husband, who has always respected my step-mothering skills, which continue to be refined.
As we get closer to receiving our first foster child, I feel a new found confidence in motherhood.
From step-mother, to foster mother, to, one day, an adoptive mother, my journey to and through motherhood is becoming an extraordinary experience! I am so thankful to have a supportive husband and two beautiful step-daughters to support and share in my quest through motherhood! My desire has been to be a mother, and that desire is already being satisfied in the most uniquely fulfilling ways!
As the days get closer to being placed with our foster child, I am taking in the ever so momentous and fulfilling moments I have with my step-children. On my quest to be a mom, I realize that I am a mom and am counted on to teach and protect my step-children. As they venture into their tween years, and both being beautiful, incredibly smart girls, I realize I make a huge impact on who they become, whether I like it or not.
The tween years are crucial years of shaping and exploring who they are and who they will become. Going into 6th and 7th grade they are no longer protected by the fairly comfy elementary school environment. They will now be forced to rush to their lockers, exchanging a multitude of books, facing a multitude of hormonally challenged peers, and learning how to navigate the hustle and bustle of middle school. They have graduated from toys to texting, and friends over family. They care about what they look like and who likes them. Just like their peers, they are faced with hormonal challenges like acne and the menstrual cycle, not to mention emotional breakdowns, most notably when the phone is taken away!
Because they spend 50% of their time, or more, with their father and I, it is my responsibility to help their self-esteem flourish! I have a new found joy in teaching them how to take care of themselves: from their skin when they get zits and the importance of showering and deodorant, to boys, sex, and the dangers of drugs and alcohol. My openness and calm demeanor today about girl stuff and peer pressure have allowed them to come forth with these more superficial issues. I can only hope that they trust in me enough to accept my invitation to talk when the more critical issues arise.
I have grown to love my role as their step-mother and grown to love these precious and unique little ladies. I am constantly thankful to their mother who loves them dearly which has allowed me to just be that little extra safety for them. And thankful to their father, my awesome husband, who has always respected my step-mothering skills, which continue to be refined.
As we get closer to receiving our first foster child, I feel a new found confidence in motherhood.
From step-mother, to foster mother, to, one day, an adoptive mother, my journey to and through motherhood is becoming an extraordinary experience! I am so thankful to have a supportive husband and two beautiful step-daughters to support and share in my quest through motherhood! My desire has been to be a mother, and that desire is already being satisfied in the most uniquely fulfilling ways!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Foster 1st?!?! Then Adopt!
June 30, 2010
It has only been 6 months since we started exploring other options to growing our family and we are just weeks away from receiving our foster care license! What a unique and fulfilling experience this learning process has been. 10 weeks of remarkably thorough information on the foster care system and the tools needed to be a successful foster parent, and hopefully, adoptive parent.
We had explored foster care about 2 years ago. Having a background in Social Work and having worked with Child Protective Services, I was completely gung-ho about the idea, but my husband announced that he didn't want a "crack baby."
Moving into our 2nd year of an empty womb and my increasing distaste of fertility treatments and the "baby market," we began looking into adoption through the foster care system. Thanks to a book entitled You Can Adopt, by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley, I diligently began researching adoption agencies. My findings were continuously discouraging.
Agencies wanted from $ 20,000 to $30,000 dollars for a baby, which did not include the $2,000 home study or medical and living expenses for the expectant birth mother. I was exploring how we would get that kind of money. Could my mom help? Could we have a fund raiser? And my animosity was growing the same way it did with IVF; why would we have to pay this ridiculous amount of money for something that comes so naturally to most women and should be priceless!? I was starting to wonder if I would end up childless.
In the book, there is a remarkable story about adoption through foster care entitled Fostering Love by Rosemary Schulman. I read this story to my husband and the idea was sold! He said "Well, we have to do that then!" A few weeks later we began the process and just 5 months after making the decision, are weeks away from possible placement with a child!
It has only been 6 months since we started exploring other options to growing our family and we are just weeks away from receiving our foster care license! What a unique and fulfilling experience this learning process has been. 10 weeks of remarkably thorough information on the foster care system and the tools needed to be a successful foster parent, and hopefully, adoptive parent.
We had explored foster care about 2 years ago. Having a background in Social Work and having worked with Child Protective Services, I was completely gung-ho about the idea, but my husband announced that he didn't want a "crack baby."
Moving into our 2nd year of an empty womb and my increasing distaste of fertility treatments and the "baby market," we began looking into adoption through the foster care system. Thanks to a book entitled You Can Adopt, by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley, I diligently began researching adoption agencies. My findings were continuously discouraging.
Agencies wanted from $ 20,000 to $30,000 dollars for a baby, which did not include the $2,000 home study or medical and living expenses for the expectant birth mother. I was exploring how we would get that kind of money. Could my mom help? Could we have a fund raiser? And my animosity was growing the same way it did with IVF; why would we have to pay this ridiculous amount of money for something that comes so naturally to most women and should be priceless!? I was starting to wonder if I would end up childless.
In the book, there is a remarkable story about adoption through foster care entitled Fostering Love by Rosemary Schulman. I read this story to my husband and the idea was sold! He said "Well, we have to do that then!" A few weeks later we began the process and just 5 months after making the decision, are weeks away from possible placement with a child!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
2 years Infertile-Is Adoption our Option?
January 30, 2010
Late December of 2008 I received an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which is a procedure where a dye is inserted into the cervix flowing through the uterus, and if all goes well, smoothly through the fallopian tubes. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 11 months and were told that many women get pregnant after this procedure due to the "flushing of debris" from the tubes, making the sperm and egg more likely to meet during the next cycle of ovulation.
March of 2009 came and went along with my confidence that THIS time we would get pregnant. I, very reluctantly, attended an infertility seminar that my husband signed us up for. My reluctance came from fear that I was now a statistic, being 32 years old at the time, and having hit the 12 month mark of trying on our own with no success.
With bitterness and denial, I went ahead and signed up for the free consultation the fertility clinic offered. Most of the tests were covered by our insurance, so I figured, why not.
2 weeks later, I was found to have fewer eggs "up to bat" then normal for a woman my age. All other tests came back normal, including the FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels which tell us that my eggs are healthy. Husband's sperm has above normal count; (he already has 2 children from a previous marriage, so I wasn't surprised).
After the post-testing consultation with the most highly respected fertility doctor in our area, he could only assume that my fallopian tubes were being "lazy" and IVF (in vitro fertilization) is the only sure fire way to get me pregnant. (I had never heard this before and have yet to find any information on the net about "lazy fallopian tubes"). I SUNK in my chair; you know the feeling (if you have ever been through this) that this is not really happening; that he didn't just tell you that your only possibility of having a biological child would cost $13,000 per cycle and there is really only a 60% chance of it working! (Most woman have to go through the process more than once.) Don't get me wrong, he was very confident about the statistics and looking at MY test results, I had a "very good chance" of getting pregnant the first time.
After the news I quickly and desperately conveyed that I was opposed to IVF because of the cost; that we don't just "have" that kind of money! He said we may qualify for a study because of my age.
After the consult the doc takes us to another room where we meet with the financial advisor. This study, we learned, would save us about $1,000. Yes, $1,000 is a lot, but not much in comparison to the total amount!
Then another person comes in who is titled the IVF Specialist. She is sitting in front of us, about 7 months pregnant and the first thing that comes to my mind is "I know she got knocked up naturally!" After inquiring, she shared her infertility story with us saying after 5 IVFs she became pregnant with a daughter who is 4 years old and the gestating baby in her uterus was a "huge surprise." After explaining the IVF process with us, she then states that she cannot see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant on our own and to just have sex every other day from day 10-17 of my cycle. "Oh, is that all I have to do? THANKS!" (like I didn't already know this)!
Let me just say, anyone who has been through infertility issues and has any common sense has researched the myriad of information out there on how to conceive, taken their temperature, been aware of their cervical mucous, and used countless ovulation tests BEFORE going through the money sucking, time consuming experience of fertility testing.
......Frustration was getting me down! I decided, being only 32, I was going to give the "trying to conceive" a rest for the rest of 2009! And I secretly thought I could trick my own body into thinking I wasn't trying; wasn't thinking about it every 2 weeks after ovulation......and then maybe it would happen. Besides, everyone kept saying "just relax, don't think about it, it will happen." Is this REALLY possible when I am soooo body aware?
So here I am today, 2 years later, still no natural pregnancy, not much of a plan for IVF. Due to this economy my husband is out of work, we are living in a home that is worth 1/3rd of what I paid for it, and the circumstances just don't justify gambling to MAKE a baby. Morally it is a little selfish to TRY THAT HARD to make something that won't happen the old fashion way.
Which brings me to the Adoption Option. If we are going to spend that money anyway to build our family; to experience raising a child with my husband, it makes more sense in today's world to build a family with a child who's soul already exists, naturally! I would be thrilled to be naturally knocked up today! Scientifically, not so much. Adoption? It just makes more sense.
Disclaimer: My husband and I haven't made any decisions yet; these are just my thoughts on my experience. We are "trying" again because I have yet to give up complete hope that we may be able to conceive naturally. I have made some nutritional changes with much HOPE that this may be it.
Late December of 2008 I received an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which is a procedure where a dye is inserted into the cervix flowing through the uterus, and if all goes well, smoothly through the fallopian tubes. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 11 months and were told that many women get pregnant after this procedure due to the "flushing of debris" from the tubes, making the sperm and egg more likely to meet during the next cycle of ovulation.
March of 2009 came and went along with my confidence that THIS time we would get pregnant. I, very reluctantly, attended an infertility seminar that my husband signed us up for. My reluctance came from fear that I was now a statistic, being 32 years old at the time, and having hit the 12 month mark of trying on our own with no success.
With bitterness and denial, I went ahead and signed up for the free consultation the fertility clinic offered. Most of the tests were covered by our insurance, so I figured, why not.
2 weeks later, I was found to have fewer eggs "up to bat" then normal for a woman my age. All other tests came back normal, including the FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels which tell us that my eggs are healthy. Husband's sperm has above normal count; (he already has 2 children from a previous marriage, so I wasn't surprised).
After the post-testing consultation with the most highly respected fertility doctor in our area, he could only assume that my fallopian tubes were being "lazy" and IVF (in vitro fertilization) is the only sure fire way to get me pregnant. (I had never heard this before and have yet to find any information on the net about "lazy fallopian tubes"). I SUNK in my chair; you know the feeling (if you have ever been through this) that this is not really happening; that he didn't just tell you that your only possibility of having a biological child would cost $13,000 per cycle and there is really only a 60% chance of it working! (Most woman have to go through the process more than once.) Don't get me wrong, he was very confident about the statistics and looking at MY test results, I had a "very good chance" of getting pregnant the first time.
After the news I quickly and desperately conveyed that I was opposed to IVF because of the cost; that we don't just "have" that kind of money! He said we may qualify for a study because of my age.
After the consult the doc takes us to another room where we meet with the financial advisor. This study, we learned, would save us about $1,000. Yes, $1,000 is a lot, but not much in comparison to the total amount!
Then another person comes in who is titled the IVF Specialist. She is sitting in front of us, about 7 months pregnant and the first thing that comes to my mind is "I know she got knocked up naturally!" After inquiring, she shared her infertility story with us saying after 5 IVFs she became pregnant with a daughter who is 4 years old and the gestating baby in her uterus was a "huge surprise." After explaining the IVF process with us, she then states that she cannot see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant on our own and to just have sex every other day from day 10-17 of my cycle. "Oh, is that all I have to do? THANKS!" (like I didn't already know this)!
Let me just say, anyone who has been through infertility issues and has any common sense has researched the myriad of information out there on how to conceive, taken their temperature, been aware of their cervical mucous, and used countless ovulation tests BEFORE going through the money sucking, time consuming experience of fertility testing.
......Frustration was getting me down! I decided, being only 32, I was going to give the "trying to conceive" a rest for the rest of 2009! And I secretly thought I could trick my own body into thinking I wasn't trying; wasn't thinking about it every 2 weeks after ovulation......and then maybe it would happen. Besides, everyone kept saying "just relax, don't think about it, it will happen." Is this REALLY possible when I am soooo body aware?
So here I am today, 2 years later, still no natural pregnancy, not much of a plan for IVF. Due to this economy my husband is out of work, we are living in a home that is worth 1/3rd of what I paid for it, and the circumstances just don't justify gambling to MAKE a baby. Morally it is a little selfish to TRY THAT HARD to make something that won't happen the old fashion way.
Which brings me to the Adoption Option. If we are going to spend that money anyway to build our family; to experience raising a child with my husband, it makes more sense in today's world to build a family with a child who's soul already exists, naturally! I would be thrilled to be naturally knocked up today! Scientifically, not so much. Adoption? It just makes more sense.
Disclaimer: My husband and I haven't made any decisions yet; these are just my thoughts on my experience. We are "trying" again because I have yet to give up complete hope that we may be able to conceive naturally. I have made some nutritional changes with much HOPE that this may be it.
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