Learning to Love Like You'll Never Be Hurt

November 29, 2010

Baby has been here since we picked her up from the hospital on September 24, which happens to be my brother’s birthday. What a whirlwind of change! 24 hours to get ready to take in a baby, and she is still with us, healthy and thriving in our home at almost 10 weeks old.


It’s looking like we will have her for a while; 6 months at least. The more I grow attached to this beautiful, flawless, smiley, personality filled baby that has all of her mother’s DNA, but all of my nurturing, I sometimes find myself worrying; worrying that e-mail or call from the case-worker will be news for the baby to go back to mom soon.

We are supposed to be starting longer visits with bio-mom next week in addition to the twice weekly, hour-long visits already in place. I had a really hard time with visits in the beginning and I go in waves with my feelings during the visits. I actually became teary-eyed during a conversation with baby’s mother about the possibility of her going home. I am the queen of holding back my tears, so I was shocked at my vulnerability. I usually wait to get in the car, or at least walk away, before I break down. Not when it comes to baby. She has changed my whole world and caused my emotions to surface like never before. Something only a pure love, an unconditional love can tap into. That protection factor I hold is becoming void in this situation.


Baby had to get her 2 month shots last week. I was not looking forward to the pain this would cause this little munchkin. Babies’ cries are so distinct. There is a cry when they are hungry, a cry when they are uncomfortable, a cry when they are lonely or sad, missing companionship, a cry when they are tired, and a cry when they are in pain. This last cry is the most gut wrenching, saddest cry. I read that talking to the baby and loving her before and during her shots can help with providing some sense of comfort.

As baby lay on the table in the pediatrician’s exam room, the nurse entered with the vaccinations. I began to talk to baby the way I always do,


“Hi baby,” “You’re beautiful,” “I love you.”

The nurse stopped for a moment and said something to the extent of


“Did you say you love her? Ahh-oh!”

Her implication was that because she is a foster baby I am setting myself up for extreme heartbreak. I get this comment a lot!


“Oh, so you can’t get too attached then,” is the response I get when I tell people of the situation.

And I say:


“No, I am already attached.”

This baby deserves to get all of my love. This is not about me and my feelings. This is about providing baby with the love and nurturing that is so detrimental to her development in these early months of her life. And if she goes home, I will deal with it then.


There is a popular quote hanging on my wall engraved on a black, wooden square that says:
LOVE like you’ll never be hurt.

There is a propensity for The Universe to eventually manifest what we surround our selves with. Like the bassinet sitting alongside my bed, empty for months, and my visualization of that bassinet being filled with a baby, has now manifested itself. I intentionally hung the loving like you’ll never be hurt quote in a place where I can read it every day. It is displayed along with the other sayings: DANCE like nobody’s watching; SING like nobody’s listening; LIVE like it’s Heaven on Earth.”

Loving like you’ll never be hurt is not easy when you’ve been jaded by life’s heartbreaks. Usually, the hurt comes from the bitter interaction (or absent interaction) between us and the people we love. Things are said (or not said), things are done (or not done) and this all leads to the chipping away at a loving heart.


Not possible with babies. Babies are the purest form of a human being. They have yet to be jaded by life’s unpleasant experiences; they have simple needs and just want those needs met. This makes it easy to give them the unbiased love and devotion they deserve. Unconditional love; Loving a baby is true unconditional love.

With all this in mind, I continue to take this experience day by day. Do I fear her leaving one day? Sure; Certainly. Is it worth the anguish to dwell on this possibility? Not at all.


This experience is a true testament of how to take life day by day. None of this is easy. To not be certain of the future of this beautiful baby is difficult. And that is an understatement. I will start to day dream about her; what it may be like years from now with her in our lives; what it would be like to get to keep her. And those thoughts make me so warm and happy. But then I have to stop myself; get back to reality, and remember that her being with us forever may not be our (or her) destiny. In the mean time, I continue to give her all the love and nurturing she needs and deserves.

I am so thankful to have the privilege of having baby here for the holidays. Right before Thanksgiving I went clothes shopping for her. Target had a little 3 piece outfit with a onesie that says I am Mommy’s wish come true; the i in wish replaced with an embroidered picture of a single, lit birthday candle. Last year, on my Halloween birthday, I wished for her. I wished for a baby a year from that day. And here she is; making her foster mommy’s wish come true, teaching me to love again like I’ll never be hurt.