My Dream Came True, if Only for 5 days

When you have a dream; an aspiration in life; something that you are passionate about with all of your being, you never REALLY know if that dream is truly what you always wanted until you actually get to experience it. You will always find people who say one thing or another is their passion whether it be music, teaching, dancing, etc. They take their passion and immerse themselves in it. It is the reason they live. They eat, sleep and breathe their passion. A common statement might be "It's why I get up in the morning!"

I always knew I wanted children and had a passion for protecting and nurturing them. At age 8, I adopted Leon Cyril from the Cabbage Patch. Within that same year Jenny and Erin came along from the Cabbage Patch as well. Every morning I would get them ready, change their diapers and take them to "school" which was conveniently located in the corner of my room. My babies were so realistic to me that one morning I woke up and Leon, who came to me bald, had white hair growing on his head! (Turned out the hair was just paint that had rubbed off of the wall.)

As a teenager I became keen to the problem of child abuse and neglect. I quickly developed a deep drive to save them. That's when I declared "I am going to save babies one day!"

While going through college as a Social Work major, I worked as a caregiver in the protective custody unit for abused and neglected children. On the clock I provided the nurturing, love and positive attention they deserved. Off the clock, I was helpless; just one of many temporary caregivers that came and went with very little control over their long term well-being. I formed bonds to many of the children in custody. It tore me up when my shift would end and I had to leave them. I wanted to take them all home where I could be sure they were provided with warm and consistent love and nurturing. But at that time in my life, foster parenting was not realistic.

When my husband and I decided to adopt through the foster care system due to my infertility, my life long passion for helping children was able to flourish. My dream of bringing children into my home to protect them and give them the full attention they deserve was going to come true! Yet that dream had been dormant for many years. Although I was excited about the prospect, all I could do was trust that this dream; this passion of mine was authentic; that THIS was what I was meant to do.

For the last 5 days, I was given the privilege of providing around the clock care to two precious toddlers. This priceless experience confirmed that I AM meant to do this! Every moment was the most fulfilling experience I think I have ever had! Feeding them, bathing them; caring for their every need. They made my dream come true.

Today they had to go back to their original foster family because we were only providing respite care. I miss them and am experiencing loss, for sure. These babies could potentially be up for adoption and my hope was to have them in our home as foster children. I found out that this will not happen. The higher ups think it is better for them to stay in the original foster home.

They were my first foster babies and I fell in love fast and hard!!! Maybe one day we will be together again, if they become available for adoption. Either way, they will always hold a special place in my heart as my first precious foster babies!

On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!

July 20, 2010

The excitement I feel today is like a kid before Christmas!!! I've spent the last couple of months wallowing in all that could go wrong and all of the negatives of the situation; an overwhelming ding in my personality. But now that we are days away from signing off for our license, I can't wait 'till we get that call!!! The call that will change our lives forever! I am sooooo ready for the rewards and challenges this experience of foster parenting will bring.

I am ALREADY a mom! Duh!

July 18, 2010

As the days get closer to being placed with our foster child, I am taking in the ever so momentous and fulfilling moments I have with my step-children. On my quest to be a mom, I realize that I am a mom and am counted on to teach and protect my step-children. As they venture into their tween years, and both being beautiful, incredibly smart girls, I realize I make a huge impact on who they become, whether I like it or not.

The tween years are crucial years of shaping and exploring who they are and who they will become. Going into 6th and 7th grade they are no longer protected by the fairly comfy elementary school environment. They will now be forced to rush to their lockers, exchanging a multitude of books, facing a multitude of hormonally challenged peers, and learning how to navigate the hustle and bustle of middle school. They have graduated from toys to texting, and friends over family. They care about what they look like and who likes them. Just like their peers, they are faced with hormonal challenges like acne and the menstrual cycle, not to mention emotional breakdowns, most notably when the phone is taken away!

Because they spend 50% of their time, or more, with their father and I, it is my responsibility to help their self-esteem flourish! I have a new found joy in teaching them how to take care of themselves: from their skin when they get zits and the importance of showering and deodorant, to boys, sex, and the dangers of drugs and alcohol. My openness and calm demeanor today about girl stuff and peer pressure have allowed them to come forth with these more superficial issues. I can only hope that they trust in me enough to accept my invitation to talk when the more critical issues arise.

I have grown to love my role as their step-mother and grown to love these precious and unique little ladies. I am constantly thankful to their mother who loves them dearly which has allowed me to just be that little extra safety for them. And thankful to their father, my awesome husband, who has always respected my step-mothering skills, which continue to be refined.

As we get closer to receiving our first foster child, I feel a new found confidence in motherhood.
From step-mother, to foster mother, to, one day, an adoptive mother, my journey to and through motherhood is becoming an extraordinary experience! I am so thankful to have a supportive husband and two beautiful step-daughters to support and share in my quest through motherhood! My desire has been to be a mother, and that desire is already being satisfied in the most uniquely fulfilling ways!

Foster 1st?!?! Then Adopt!

June 30, 2010

It has only been 6 months since we started exploring other options to growing our family and we are just weeks away from receiving our foster care license! What a unique and fulfilling experience this learning process has been. 10 weeks of remarkably thorough information on the foster care system and the tools needed to be a successful foster parent, and hopefully, adoptive parent.

We had explored foster care about 2 years ago. Having a background in Social Work and having worked with Child Protective Services, I was completely gung-ho about the idea, but my husband announced that he didn't want a "crack baby."

Moving into our 2nd year of an empty womb and my increasing distaste of fertility treatments and the "baby market," we began looking into adoption through the foster care system. Thanks to a book entitled You Can Adopt, by Susan Caughman and Isolde Motley, I diligently began researching adoption agencies. My findings were continuously discouraging.

Agencies wanted from $ 20,000 to $30,000 dollars for a baby, which did not include the $2,000 home study or medical and living expenses for the expectant birth mother. I was exploring how we would get that kind of money. Could my mom help? Could we have a fund raiser? And my animosity was growing the same way it did with IVF; why would we have to pay this ridiculous amount of money for something that comes so naturally to most women and should be priceless!? I was starting to wonder if I would end up childless.

In the book, there is a remarkable story about adoption through foster care entitled Fostering Love by Rosemary Schulman. I read this story to my husband and the idea was sold! He said "Well, we have to do that then!" A few weeks later we began the process and just 5 months after making the decision, are weeks away from possible placement with a child!

2 years Infertile-Is Adoption our Option?

January 30, 2010

Late December of 2008 I received an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which is a procedure where a dye is inserted into the cervix flowing through the uterus, and if all goes well, smoothly through the fallopian tubes. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 11 months and were told that many women get pregnant after this procedure due to the "flushing of debris" from the tubes, making the sperm and egg more likely to meet during the next cycle of ovulation.

March of 2009 came and went along with my confidence that THIS time we would get pregnant. I, very reluctantly, attended an infertility seminar that my husband signed us up for. My reluctance came from fear that I was now a statistic, being 32 years old at the time, and having hit the 12 month mark of trying on our own with no success.

With bitterness and denial, I went ahead and signed up for the free consultation the fertility clinic offered. Most of the tests were covered by our insurance, so I figured, why not.

2 weeks later, I was found to have fewer eggs "up to bat" then normal for a woman my age. All other tests came back normal, including the FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) levels which tell us that my eggs are healthy. Husband's sperm has above normal count; (he already has 2 children from a previous marriage, so I wasn't surprised).

After the post-testing consultation with the most highly respected fertility doctor in our area, he could only assume that my fallopian tubes were being "lazy" and IVF (in vitro fertilization) is the only sure fire way to get me pregnant. (I had never heard this before and have yet to find any information on the net about "lazy fallopian tubes"). I SUNK in my chair; you know the feeling (if you have ever been through this) that this is not really happening; that he didn't just tell you that your only possibility of having a biological child would cost $13,000 per cycle and there is really only a 60% chance of it working! (Most woman have to go through the process more than once.) Don't get me wrong, he was very confident about the statistics and looking at MY test results, I had a "very good chance" of getting pregnant the first time.

After the news I quickly and desperately conveyed that I was opposed to IVF because of the cost; that we don't just "have" that kind of money! He said we may qualify for a study because of my age.

After the consult the doc takes us to another room where we meet with the financial advisor. This study, we learned, would save us about $1,000. Yes, $1,000 is a lot, but not much in comparison to the total amount!

Then another person comes in who is titled the IVF Specialist. She is sitting in front of us, about 7 months pregnant and the first thing that comes to my mind is "I know she got knocked up naturally!" After inquiring, she shared her infertility story with us saying after 5 IVFs she became pregnant with a daughter who is 4 years old and the gestating baby in her uterus was a "huge surprise." After explaining the IVF process with us, she then states that she cannot see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant on our own and to just have sex every other day from day 10-17 of my cycle. "Oh, is that all I have to do? THANKS!" (like I didn't already know this)!

Let me just say, anyone who has been through infertility issues and has any common sense has researched the myriad of information out there on how to conceive, taken their temperature, been aware of their cervical mucous, and used countless ovulation tests BEFORE going through the money sucking, time consuming experience of fertility testing.

......Frustration was getting me down! I decided, being only 32, I was going to give the "trying to conceive" a rest for the rest of 2009! And I secretly thought I could trick my own body into thinking I wasn't trying; wasn't thinking about it every 2 weeks after ovulation......and then maybe it would happen. Besides, everyone kept saying "just relax, don't think about it, it will happen." Is this REALLY possible when I am soooo body aware?

So here I am today, 2 years later, still no natural pregnancy, not much of a plan for IVF. Due to this economy my husband is out of work, we are living in a home that is worth 1/3rd of what I paid for it, and the circumstances just don't justify gambling to MAKE a baby. Morally it is a little selfish to TRY THAT HARD to make something that won't happen the old fashion way.

Which brings me to the Adoption Option. If we are going to spend that money anyway to build our family; to experience raising a child with my husband, it makes more sense in today's world to build a family with a child who's soul already exists, naturally! I would be thrilled to be naturally knocked up today! Scientifically, not so much. Adoption? It just makes more sense.

Disclaimer: My husband and I haven't made any decisions yet; these are just my thoughts on my experience. We are "trying" again because I have yet to give up complete hope that we may be able to conceive naturally. I have made some nutritional changes with much HOPE that this may be it.