The foster placement team called me on Thursday:
“We have a baby that we need placement for today. She is 2 days old, healthy, and ready to leave the hospital.”
I instantly declined:
“Thank you for contacting us [my husband and I] but without the strong possibility of the potential to adopt the baby, I have to decline. I have to protect my emotions; plus I can’t take off work until the baby is old enough to go into day care. Sorry.”
I make up every excuse to protect my emotions; the fear of bonding with a child and then having to give that child up after a long period of caring for them. But this time, something made me change my mind.
About 5 minutes after declining placement with the newborn baby, I called the team back to inquire about the details. I had been turning down placements left and right in an attempt to protect myself. I decided this time I needed to give it a chance. A tiny new baby that can’t go home to mommy is sitting in the hospital waiting for a home. And I had the privilege of being asked first if I wanted to care for her. This baby needs me right now and that’s what it’s really about.
So here we are on a cozy Sunday morning, 5 day old baby girl by my side; healthy and beautiful. I have fallen in love. Having never raised a newborn I am fairly surprised by how natural it feels. My hubby is helping tremendously, having raised 2 of his own already. I am on cloud 9! The elation I feel is indescribable; I guess only a mother (or father) can really know this feeling.
Sure I am completely vulnerable, but I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment; to relish in the care and nurturing I get to give her today and that every bit of love is helping her to develop a healthy sense of trust.
The ultimate goal of the Department of Family Services (DFS) is reunification with the biological family, if possible. In this case she is with us because they have not found family who will take her, yet. She could be with us for a few more days, weeks, or months. There is really no guarantee. As a professional, I am ready to take on the responsibility of working with the birth mother in an attempt at reunifying her and her daughter. I am her foster mother, but have to constantly remind myself that her biological mother is, most likely, missing her like crazy right now. Sure, I will be devastated when (or if) she leaves. But will have comfort in knowing I provided the nurturing and love that is crucial in these early days of development.
For now, I continue to sit on cloud 9, stay in the moment, and absorb the elation I feel caring for this tiny being. I love her. For today and for as long as I am blessed with having her in my care, she is fulfilling my dream of being a mommy.
As far as a sitter, I asked my step-kid’s mom, who stays home with her two toddlers, and she was ecstatic to take this on! I am so grateful to have her availability and feel 100% confident in leaving this baby with her. She will be going through the Non-Primary Caregiver licensing process, required by DFS for persons whom will be caring for children in protective custody on a regular basis.
Next week will be a busy week! First pediatrician appointment, visits with the case-worker, and possibly visits with mom. I am ready and enthusiastic about taking on this part of caring for a foster baby! My husband and I have been waiting for this experience and here we finally are!
It is refreshing to know that these long years of projecting our desire to care for a baby has proved worthy and has finally come to fruition; the months and months that the empty bassinet sat next to my bed as I envisioned a tiny person occupying the cozy space. She is finally here and she is everything I ever wanted.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Why am I trying so hard to have kids.....?
Many women, myself included, who cannot conceive easily (or at all) day dream about what it would be like to have a child (or another child) to call our own. The baby that would make all the difference in our happiness, completing our family and enriching our lives! We dream about consistent loving care that we yearn to give a child or two. We yearn to hear "MOMMY;" to be wanted and needed....
Funny...quite a few events during this last week have made me seriously question my desires!
My doubts began last week with my step-daughter on her second day of school. My husband has to be at work before the girls can be on campus so I merrily offered to take them to school before going to work myself. I truly enjoy playing mommy with them, tending to their needs, even though they are soooo independent at 11 and 12 years old.
My new 6th grader needed help learning how to open a combination lock. I was happy to teach her and was giving loads of encouragement. The first few times that the lock refused to open, she began throwing a small temper tantrum, shaking the lock and stomping her feet. I gave her a moment to calm herself and then proceeded to go over the steps again. The dang lock was still not coming open and her tantrum became more pronounced and violent. I asked her to calm down and she proceed to yell "WELL, YOUR NOT TEACHING ME RIGHT!" This is not the only occasion I have been verbally attacked. I don't respond in the most compassionate tone to verbal disrespects........and then the question arose: Why am I trying so hard to have kids...?
My next glimmer of doubt came from a superlatively written, though devastating, memoir, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. An amazing writer; sophisticated and genuine telling a true story about his smart, creative, handsome, beloved son...
... who is also a drug-addict.
This man loves his son, Nic, with his heart and soul and does everything in his power to help him, despite the stealing, the lies and incredibly manipulative tactics that become a way of life to drug addicted persons. His writing evoked emotional pain; the undying love for his "beautiful boy" who has so much potential, yet who continuously struggles with addiction.
After being sober for years, Nic will suddenly relapse without warning. David's suffering grows with every relapse, throwing him deeper into despair. But the love for his child never dwindles. How can it? A parent's love for their child is deeper than any feeling ever felt before. So how can a parent turn their back on their precious child, even after all of the lies, the violations, and upheaval of family that this child has caused? David showed constant struggle with the question of "did I cause this?"
Al-Anon says he didn't.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids....?
The last, and probably most significant, contemplation on this whole parenting idea was prompted by recalling my own nasty behaviors as a teenager. I was recently reading through journals I kept as a teen where I recorded every defiant, horrible thing I did. My parents were extremely lenient with me mainly because I earned decent grades, usually a 3.0 or higher, and was a cheerleader. They never thought their "precious little girl" would ever lie to them or experiment the way that I did. Eventually, though, they found most of the skeletons in my closet, throwing them into years of sleepless nights and questioning their parenting skills.
I squeamishly recall the nasty way I use to talk to them, and over the past couple of weeks am being talked to by my 7th grade step-child in the same disrespectful, "get out of my life" kind of tone.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids?
I called my mom and apologized.
So, those sweet smelling, cooing, "mommy" saying little babies definitely grow up. And there is a significant amount of time that they are definitely not sweet and add the words "LEAVE ME ALONE," "GET OUT OF MY LIFE," and "I HATE THIS HOUSE" (or statements to that effect) to the word "MOMMY."
That is NOT what I sign up for!!!
Oh ya; yes it is. When I signed the licence to be married to my step-children's father, I literally signed up for it. When I vowed to be with my husband forever in front of 152 people and vowed to be "the best step-mom I can" to my step-children, I made that commitment.
In sickness and in health, in disrespect and insanity.
To be fair, I have been incredibly fortunate to have yet to be told "YOUR NOT MY MOM." I am mistakenly called "mom" sometimes, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. My step-kids may get attitudes, roll their eyes, talk back and argue, but I am finding that I have no need to take it personally. Apparently, it's the norm for this age. If I observe their behaviors when they interact with their father, I am tickled to find that they throw around the same attitude with him. For my sanity it is refreshing to know their behaviors are not (really) a personal attack on me.
And they do come with their sentimental moments; an unexpected hug; an "I Love You" before getting out of the car or going to bed, and even an "I'm sorry" in a concerned, genuine voice after bashing my attempts at parenting...Those are the moments I revel in.
No parent expects that their darling child will become unruly. And not all of them do. There are plenty of children who glide through their teen years and into their twenties with very little upheaval. All we can do as parents is our absolute best and nothing less! And most of the time it's really up to the will of the child!
During my apology to my mother, I asked her what made her want to have children. "To fulfill the need to procreate!"
I may not physically ever procreate, but despite my questioning during this last week, I still may want to raise my own kids; And all of the trials and tribulations that come with them.
What I have learned from other parents is that the love for your child runs deeper than any other love. It is painful to love that deeply, but can also bring joy like you have never felt before. I feel like I love my step-children that way, and inevitably will love my own children with an even deeper sense.
I am scared for them. I am scared for the heartache, peer pressure, exposure to mean kids and exposure to this not so ideal world. It is fear for their well-being that is questioning my desire to be a parent.
All we can do is our best; love and protect them in every way that we are able and hopefully give them the tools they need to deal with the crap that will come up in life. But along with the crap will come wonderful moments; first dances, boy-friends, (girl-friends), sports, arts, and academic achievements.
Nothing in life is really guaranteed, but here we are living on. The human race will most likely continue when we are long gone. And if we value ourselves and what we stand for today, we
must attempt to raise children to do the same.
And if they don't do the same, it's not our fault. We did our absolute best and nothing less! (At least we better have!)
Funny...quite a few events during this last week have made me seriously question my desires!
My doubts began last week with my step-daughter on her second day of school. My husband has to be at work before the girls can be on campus so I merrily offered to take them to school before going to work myself. I truly enjoy playing mommy with them, tending to their needs, even though they are soooo independent at 11 and 12 years old.
My new 6th grader needed help learning how to open a combination lock. I was happy to teach her and was giving loads of encouragement. The first few times that the lock refused to open, she began throwing a small temper tantrum, shaking the lock and stomping her feet. I gave her a moment to calm herself and then proceeded to go over the steps again. The dang lock was still not coming open and her tantrum became more pronounced and violent. I asked her to calm down and she proceed to yell "WELL, YOUR NOT TEACHING ME RIGHT!" This is not the only occasion I have been verbally attacked. I don't respond in the most compassionate tone to verbal disrespects........and then the question arose: Why am I trying so hard to have kids...?
My next glimmer of doubt came from a superlatively written, though devastating, memoir, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. An amazing writer; sophisticated and genuine telling a true story about his smart, creative, handsome, beloved son...
... who is also a drug-addict.
This man loves his son, Nic, with his heart and soul and does everything in his power to help him, despite the stealing, the lies and incredibly manipulative tactics that become a way of life to drug addicted persons. His writing evoked emotional pain; the undying love for his "beautiful boy" who has so much potential, yet who continuously struggles with addiction.
After being sober for years, Nic will suddenly relapse without warning. David's suffering grows with every relapse, throwing him deeper into despair. But the love for his child never dwindles. How can it? A parent's love for their child is deeper than any feeling ever felt before. So how can a parent turn their back on their precious child, even after all of the lies, the violations, and upheaval of family that this child has caused? David showed constant struggle with the question of "did I cause this?"
Al-Anon says he didn't.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids....?
The last, and probably most significant, contemplation on this whole parenting idea was prompted by recalling my own nasty behaviors as a teenager. I was recently reading through journals I kept as a teen where I recorded every defiant, horrible thing I did. My parents were extremely lenient with me mainly because I earned decent grades, usually a 3.0 or higher, and was a cheerleader. They never thought their "precious little girl" would ever lie to them or experiment the way that I did. Eventually, though, they found most of the skeletons in my closet, throwing them into years of sleepless nights and questioning their parenting skills.
I squeamishly recall the nasty way I use to talk to them, and over the past couple of weeks am being talked to by my 7th grade step-child in the same disrespectful, "get out of my life" kind of tone.
Why am I trying so hard to have kids?
I called my mom and apologized.
So, those sweet smelling, cooing, "mommy" saying little babies definitely grow up. And there is a significant amount of time that they are definitely not sweet and add the words "LEAVE ME ALONE," "GET OUT OF MY LIFE," and "I HATE THIS HOUSE" (or statements to that effect) to the word "MOMMY."
That is NOT what I sign up for!!!
Oh ya; yes it is. When I signed the licence to be married to my step-children's father, I literally signed up for it. When I vowed to be with my husband forever in front of 152 people and vowed to be "the best step-mom I can" to my step-children, I made that commitment.
In sickness and in health, in disrespect and insanity.
To be fair, I have been incredibly fortunate to have yet to be told "YOUR NOT MY MOM." I am mistakenly called "mom" sometimes, which does give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. My step-kids may get attitudes, roll their eyes, talk back and argue, but I am finding that I have no need to take it personally. Apparently, it's the norm for this age. If I observe their behaviors when they interact with their father, I am tickled to find that they throw around the same attitude with him. For my sanity it is refreshing to know their behaviors are not (really) a personal attack on me.
And they do come with their sentimental moments; an unexpected hug; an "I Love You" before getting out of the car or going to bed, and even an "I'm sorry" in a concerned, genuine voice after bashing my attempts at parenting...Those are the moments I revel in.
No parent expects that their darling child will become unruly. And not all of them do. There are plenty of children who glide through their teen years and into their twenties with very little upheaval. All we can do as parents is our absolute best and nothing less! And most of the time it's really up to the will of the child!
During my apology to my mother, I asked her what made her want to have children. "To fulfill the need to procreate!"
I may not physically ever procreate, but despite my questioning during this last week, I still may want to raise my own kids; And all of the trials and tribulations that come with them.
What I have learned from other parents is that the love for your child runs deeper than any other love. It is painful to love that deeply, but can also bring joy like you have never felt before. I feel like I love my step-children that way, and inevitably will love my own children with an even deeper sense.
I am scared for them. I am scared for the heartache, peer pressure, exposure to mean kids and exposure to this not so ideal world. It is fear for their well-being that is questioning my desire to be a parent.
All we can do is our best; love and protect them in every way that we are able and hopefully give them the tools they need to deal with the crap that will come up in life. But along with the crap will come wonderful moments; first dances, boy-friends, (girl-friends), sports, arts, and academic achievements.
Nothing in life is really guaranteed, but here we are living on. The human race will most likely continue when we are long gone. And if we value ourselves and what we stand for today, we
must attempt to raise children to do the same.
And if they don't do the same, it's not our fault. We did our absolute best and nothing less! (At least we better have!)
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